My Application for the Post of a Butler

My grater doll

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Fully-organized, nimble-toed, clutter-crusader born to serve and manage the house like an orchestra conductor. Can keep a look of apathy at all times and will give not give in to an urge to chase a mosquito when that blood sucking lowlife goes buzzing past. Shall not roll eyes when your wife talks about her new ‘save the planet and koala bears’ venture or when your daughter orders 50 Shades of Grey.

Your folded linen’s angle to crystal china shall be maintained and  every new season of every TV show will be updated on time. Shall provide a running commentary of exactly what I am doing like “Here is your soup being served sir”, “Here is your door getting shut behind you sir”.  Will load new music albums and make your bed without any creases and folds. Will press your tights, charge your ipads and renew the antivirus license. Your staff will be taught to do Anna Kendrick Cups song and impress the visiting guests.Will conjure a perfect pick-me-up concoctions and unravel perfect hangover recipes, that will straighten you and have you up and running like a Temple Run explorer.

You can expect your vacation luggage to be packed perfectly without leaving out the sunscreen and the charger. Your antiques and paintings will be taken care of like a museum curator. Minute eccentricities and quirks  and how you like your Subway to your pizza crust preference shall be saved to memory.

Will get all your dealers on a speed dial and when the day gets tough, you shall be served to a perfect lukewarm bathwater with tangerine bath salts and essential oils. On any given day, you can expect a tall glass of cold coffee that is so good that you want to cuddle with it.  You will be made to look debonair at any time, under any weather condition and during any financial situation. Your plumber will be home even before the sink clogs and a cockroach in your house will be treated as a sub continental threat. And if you get your heart broken I shall summon Catherine Heigl / Ryan Gosling for rebound sex.

Now here is a list of 10 great TV and Movie Butlers nominated by Times: http://entertainment.time.com/2013/08/19/at-your-service-10-great-tv-and-movie-butlers/?iid=ent-main-lead

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